It was recently brought to my attention that there are surprisingly few guides for proper cereal choices in this day and age. For something so seemingly mundane, it is no surprise that it eluded the pundits of the day. So since no pundits are currently available, I will take this task upon myself. Rule number one is to avoid any cereals that contain products grown in Iowa in the name. Examples are things like Corn Cobs, Wheat Chaff, Pig Rounds, and so forth. The best cereals appear to be those with sounds in the name, like Sugar Pops, Sound Puffs, Stewie Blasts, and Shots in the Dark.
But the truly fine cereals are the ones heavy laden with gimmick. A fine example comes to us from the galley of one Cap’n Crunch. Those of my generation must clearly remember the Oops, All Crunch Berries campaign. With the help of a learned colleague, I began musing on other possible Oops, All _____ gimmicks that might not be quite as successful. Possible examples include “Oops, All Raisins” Raisin Bran, “Oops, All Crunchies” Lucky Charms, and “Oops, All Corn” Corn Pops. And anything with “Froot” is absolutely worthwhile.
And as long as we are on the subject of the Cap’n, I believe there are certain questions that must be addressed. What is the nature of this man of the sea? His uniform indicates some sort of adherence to an established military. It is possible he serves in the navy of King Vitaman, but this remains unclear. From advertisements, he seems to sail under his own flag as he marauds about the high seas on his ship, the Guppy. His greatest rival is a pirate, John LaFoote, a French scoundrel who has been nipping at the Captain’s heels since the early 1960’s. So it would seem there are a number of possible explanations for this old salt. He may well be a pirate himself, a mere competitor of LaFoote. He may be much like Sir Francis Drake, a privateer in the employ of a wealthy nation that didn’t want to get its own hands dirty in the protection of the secret of Crunch, and in the ethnic cleansing of the Soggies. Cap’N Crunch was later charged for high crimes, most notably cutting the roofs of his consumers’ mouths.
-Steve McGladdery
