Just about every student is at least vaguely familiar with the story of the Greeks sacking Priam’s proud city. It was a lengthy siege that ended with Odysseus’ plan to infiltrate the city in a giant wooden vessel shaped like a Trojan. But many are somewhat unfamiliar with the Epic Cycle, which was essentially a collection of Homeric fan fiction. Even less well known than the existence of these epics is their content. Along with the successful sacking of Troy as well as all the homecomings, readers will also find the various and little known failed plans to breach the city’s walls. The giant horse was by no means the first plan.
When a direct assault proved ineffective, it was left to the Achaean lords to devise another means of gaining access. In the Aethiopis, Agamemnon has the idea that if they cannot get past the wall, then perhaps they can go over it. So in a grand display of Ancient Greek ingenuity, he invents something that most scholars agree was some early form of the pogo stick. The heroes gain as much momentum as they can across the plain, and in a final effort make a great bounce toward the city. It seems they needed either more spring or less city, because they collide with the wall with a comical noise1. The Achaeans were beaten, but not defeated. Because not long after, Odysseus received his long awaited delivery from representatives of the island “Akmeos.” In his autobiography, Heinrich Schliemann expounds on an episode from the Ilias Mikra in which Odysseus dons sandals apparently enhanced with some sort of rocket propulsion. He and his men construct a wooden ramp, and off he goes. Having been launched by his rocket sandals, Odysseus soon realizes the ramp sent him pointed right at the wall. Holding up the appropriate “Yipes” sign2, Odysseus prepares for the poet’s elegant description of the result: On Odysseus-shaped crater in Troy’s proud battlements.
Most of the other failed attempts come to us from the Iliou Persis. It included such events as Agamemnon disguising himself as a harem girl in order to charm his way in, Nestor pretending to be delivering pizzas and/or singing telegrams, and the armies of Achaea surrounding the city and singing “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” all the way through3. Having been defeated on all of these reckless attempts, Odysseus then planned for something much more subtle.
“Hey, Priam!”
“…What is it?”
“We have a present for you.”
“Really? What did you bring for me?”
(Slyly) “Ohh, I don’t know…you’ll have to come out and see it.”
“Can’t you just tell me?”
“No, you have to come out and see it. Trust me, it’s great.”
Naturally it failed. There was also an attempt to deliver Diomedes inside a giant birthday cake, but when the Trojans discussed the matter and discovered it wasn’t anyone’s birthday, they were suspicious. They brought it inside slowly and cautiously. Things seemed to be going well for the Greeks, but then the Trojans decided to cut the cake. It loses something in translation, but all scholars are struck by the image of a frosting-covered Diomedes running for the gate. Apparently they could hear his screams clear across the city.
I hope this discussion has been illuminating for you. Many stories have been told, and many have been lost, but one thing is certain: Giant horses and rocket sandals last forever.
1Splat.
2Uipos
3This was the earliest form of disco.
